She remembers their first quarrel after getting married. Not what they quarrelled about but the insight that breaking up no longer was an option. Maybe that was why she looked shit scared in most of the wedding photographs. She remembered the pleasant weight of the arcane and absolute promises. This controversy was the first touchstone. They were lying side by side in mute discord, silence heavy in the room, and the solution was not to part but to go further in. Transform into unity. Marriage as the micro laboratory for... paradise, perhaps? For a state where universal connection is the norm, not strife. Where you turn to your fellow being with respect, inquiry and trust. And say... what? She cleared her throat.
– Baby, I understand that you...
It took a quite long time, stolen from precious sleep, but they navigated this new cosmos with utter care and when they were done, they understood each other's position better and she was sure they would resolve the issue. For marriage is buying time. Until death do us part. Every little bit doesn't have to be sorted out at once. They kissed and when she woke up in the morning the bond was already stronger. She still had to put up defenses against ideas of being ”one flesh”, her way of felling part of him was not related to converging, but to converting the space between them.
Now he is no longer there. She is surprised that her first thought on the day of his death is of that disagreement a long time ago. She doesn't feel as if she has become half of something, nor that the meaningful space they have created between them is gone. Yes, she feels lonely but not bereft. When she weeps it is partly in gratitude for a hidden universe they have shown each other.
(Utmaning: äkta hälft)